Cohabitation vs. Marriage

We’ve all heard it before: “Marriage is just a piece of paper. We don’t need a piece of paper to prove our love.” Or, “We’ve lived together for x years. It’s like we’re married.”

Wrong. No, it’s not.

Cohabitation is not marriage. There is a huge difference. Anyone who has stood at the altar and pledged his/her vows under the eyes of God, family and friends, and the Church can tell you that it is a commitment like no other in life.

It’s understandable why young people today would wish cohabitation and marriage were the same. In today’s world the chances of a new marriage ending in divorce are better than the betting odds you’d get from a Vegas Sports Book. And the financial strain on married couples who divorce can leave people in debt for years to come. Plus, theoretically, it seems logical that if you live with someone to confirm compatibility there’s a better chance of your relationship surviving. Well, as with many things in life, theories that sound great on paper often don’t survive the reality test. The New Oxford Review’s website has re-posted an article they ran in Sep 2007 entitled, “Cohabitation: Ten Facts”. (http://www.newoxfordreview.org/article.jsp?did=0907-schneider) It was written by Patrick Schneider II, M.D., M.P.H., who holds boards in family and geriatric medicine and who received a Masters in Public Health from Harvard University .

Here are some of the facts listed:

· One in ten [cohabitating couples] survives five or more years

· The rate of divorce among those who cohabit prior to marriage is nearly double (39 percent vs. 21 percent) that of couples who marry without prior cohabitation

· Cohabiting women often end up with the responsibilities of marriage -- particularly when it comes to caring for children -- without the legal protection (ibid.), while contributing more than 70 percent of the relationship's income

· A UCLA survey of 130 published studies found that marriages preceded by cohabitation were more prone to drug and alcohol problems

· Three-fourths of children involved in criminal activity were from cohabiting households


Marriage supporters are not surprised. There is a reason why the family, led by a married man and woman, has been the basic building block of every human society since the dawn of civilization. Why is marriage so much better than cohabitation, with or without the addition of children?

People cohabit because they fear commitment. Both sides enter the living arrangement with a (usually) unspoken agreement that they’ll “try it out”, and if it doesn’t work they’ll go their separate ways, no questions asked. The problem with this plan is that both partners live with one foot pointing to the exit. At the first sign of trouble their thought is, “How do I get out of this?” and not, “How do we get through this?”

Relationships do not work unless both parties are committed to one another. There will be many ups and downs in a relationship, and sometimes the downs can be very down. Standing on the altar and promising to remain “until death do us part” will be the single greatest commitment you will make in your life. I’ve heard cohabitants argue that they’ve bought a house together to show their commitment. It’s not the same thing. A house can be sold, proceeds split, with the partners going their separate ways as if the experience never happened. A “do-over” is not as easy when you’re married. Aside from the legal and financial ramifications of an ended marriage, there are emotional and spiritual ones as well. Even when there are legitimate reasons for a marriage to end, be it through infidelity or physical/mental abuse, both spouses will always remember that there was a time when, in front of God and their loved ones, they promised to stay united till death.

That’s an oath no individual can forget.

Donald Tremblay